Its 3:17am and I’m awake already. Truth is, I have been awake since midnight and trust me; this is not one of my usual nocturnal antics.
Last night’s party was pretty awesome, full of laughter and amazing people with great minds. It was a party that was supposed to swallow my pain and set me on a brand new course but that was not to be case at all.
I sat among a sea of ladies but my mind was still locked on you. My mind was still on my great loss. Every one of those ladies had something but there was that thing that makes us tick that they lacked. I made a couple of friends, took a number of contacts and Facebook Id’s but still drove home a sad and empty man.
Two days ago, I deleted all your pictures from my phone and laptop; because honestly, I just could not bear the thought of growing grey hair without you by side. Everything that reminds me of you brings me nothing but remorse.
My past weeks have been dominated by sleepless nights and tears; gnashing of teeth and tromping of feet and fist on my bedroom floor and couch.
Every now and then, I scream at God and ask Him why. On the outside I look whole but on the inside I am full of holes. People see me and ask what is wrong. They all seem to notice my usual glow is waning.
It is indeed true that the eyes can never hide what the heart truly feels. I smile and say I am fine, when in actual sense, they know and I know that I am nothing close to that.
I can’t vividly remember how we became what we became but somewhere along the line we became inseparable. All who started noticing our bonding knew we were eventually heading towards the altar.
You taught me a lot with your deep seated wisdom. You were my ideal woman, my proverbs 31 woman. You taught me to have my first set of rods and lay my first set of blocks. I will often drive through town imagining our lives in it together.
The thought of glorious days, happiness, disagreements, arguments, love-making, the cries of babies and times of building an empire together will often fill my mind.
The question now arises, what happened?
Just like most young people, I had a list. Some have it all enumerated in a journal or on a piece of paper but I had mine stitched up deep in my mind. Right from Junior High School, I had always fantasised a girl with a particular height and body size.
That thought had totally blinded me towards what was before me. I was wholly focused on that which was without; completely losing sight of all that I really needed that was within you.
You see, just like an erected penis has no conscience; so will a shallow looking mind bring home a worthless soul.
Right now, I have become a man who is deeply frustrated and in an immense pain; but anyways, I blame no one but myself.
I chased all the wrong features and threw away the most important ones. I never really knew how it felt to be in love until I realised I had lost you. My maturity is definitely paying the price for the problems my immaturity bought.
As I write this, I don’t know what is next for me. Everyone else has just become invisible. And honestly, I am just tired of the process.
Possibly, I *will sit down and try to analyse this whole situation again. I might just admit the fact that I have lost you forever and move on but I know myself; the stubborn persistent fella in me would just not give in till I see you walk down the aisle and say yes to the other guy.
I just hope and pray that on that day I will rein my guts in and not raise my hand to say I refute your being bound to him for life.
This is no threat; it is just my heart pouring out it’s true intent. My immaturity cost me this but I really want to make things right. Should I let you go? Or should I still hold on? Please tell me…